The Simpsons Season 5 Episode 17: "Bart Gets an Elephant" Quotes

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Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work!
Bill Clinton: Bite me.

Blackheart: All right, I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy.
Homer: Here's the keys.
Blackheart: Elephants don't have keys.
Homer: Well, I'll just keep these then.

Lisa: Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer! His boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, and I'm pretty sure that check is ivory.
Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.

Homer: Look at this, Marge! $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's food bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.

Homer: Well, these bills will have to paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'd have to raise my allowance to about a $1000 a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.

Mmm... elephant fresh.

Homer

Homer: Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move it wouldn't get so hungry.
Lisa: You can't do that, Dad, it's cruel!
Homer: Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So, excuse me if I'm cruel!

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you, in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things... like love!
Marge: Or double-ply windows. They look just like regular windows (slowing down) but they'll save us 4% on our heating bill...

You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Homer

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get.

Homer

Marge: (referring to Stampy) Homer... it looks like it could gore.
Homer: (chuckles) It does look like Al Gore.

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